Voices

Credits: www.kleinmeli.deviantart.com

I am the stepson.

I have been emotionally and physically abused by my own father. I am happy he is no longer around. I find it hard to trust people. To compensate for all those years of being labeled "stupid and worthless," I joined support groups and immersed myself in athletics. I am in constant need of acceptance and attention, things my father deprived me of. My mom left me and my siblings to work abroad for two years. How I wanted to be with her. When she came back, she found someone to love. I felt alone again. I take my relationships seriously. My subconscious dictates that I should protect the girl I love in every way I can. I am bull-headed because it is only now that I can be myself. I want to explore things, go places and grow into the person I always wanted to be. I sometimes do things all at the same time, leaving most of them unfinished. I live with my mom and her fiancee. He and me sometimes disagree. I don't think he likes me. I have so much pent up emotions that I sometimes just spend time outside, with my friends, or even with my grandma, to avoid a major clash. I feel my mom favors him more than me. 

I am the stepdad.

I have Parkinsons. I am recovering from hip replacement surgery. I am in constant pain everyday. I have a daughter in the US whom I have not been with for 7 years. I get upset when I cannot talk to her on Skype. I have trouble sleeping. It takes hours and hours before I finally fall asleep at night. I get startled by the slightest sound. I hate it when the boys stay up at night and move around the house looking for a cigarette. I depend heavily on my fiancee to help me get around the house, to shower, to eat, to clean up after myself. I feel worthless. I want to help but I could not. I never had a son. This is the first time I experienced being in the same house with two boys in their early 20s. I know they resent it when I tell them to wash their own dishes or to clean the house. I believe they are old enough to help their mom with household chores. I do not know much about Filipino culture, but in the US, kids are assigned chores and are expected to do it. I know my fiancee does not like it when me and her boys disagree. I did not steal their mother away from them. I see it more like me gaining sons and them gaining a father again. 

I am the person in the middle.

I wish you'd be more open with each other about your feelings. Do you know how hard it is to be caught in the middle? I admit, I am tired of doing all these things for all of you. I am sick and tired of doing housework, preparing your meals, washing clothes and attending to your each and every command. I am getting old. I need sleep. I need some rest. I dream of waking up with meals prepared and the clothes washed and hang out to dry. I long for the day I could go on vacation - out in the quiet countryside, close to the beach. Do you know how much I envy you? Being able to go places with every invite? Being able to sit in front of the computer the whole day? Do you feel my anxiety every night I go to work knowing I need to be alert and awake earning my keep while you are at home sleeping? Do you know how it feels to look forward to the weekend to be with you? Do you know of my frustration fighting this thing called Diabetes? I am just about as human as you. I avoid saying/doing bad things to people you consider important in your life. I feel. I understand. I wish there was 3 or 4 more of me so that you don't feel like you have to compete for my attention.

I love you. Each and everyone of you. EQUALLY. 

"Thank you Lord for giving me the strength to go on when all I want to do is to give up."